Sunday, September 16, 2012


** (2 stars out of 5)

Kes absently munches beetles like popcorn, then grows aghast when she realizes what she's doing. Then she puts beetles and pickles on her ice cream. And she's eaten six bowls of buttered mashed potatoes and soil. And a bouquet of flowers.

You guessed it... Space Puberty!

The delirious Ocampa lass locks herself in the Doctor's office and grows a pouch on her back. This mitral sac is for her Cabbage Patch Kid, which usually arrives when she turns four or five. But she's not even two. And ready or not, it only happens once in her lifetime. If Kes wants a child, it has to be now, now, NOW!

Due to biological nonsense, Kes's palms sweat Krazy Glue which will bond her to her mate for six days to ensure conception. (Provided neither partner murders the other to avoid SIX DAYS OF COPULATION.) That'll happen after her parent (or in this case, the Doctor) massages her feet until her tongue swells. No, it's not some heady unpublished fanfic... THIS is HAPPENING.

And who's the culprit?  Well, a swarm of creatures FLAGELLATING through space. Space. SPACE!!! WTF are they flagellating AGAINST?

Voyager nudges the swarm away with deflector magnetism. So the creatures decide to have sex with the starship. And a massive, affectionate rival jealously attacks. Chakotay's surprising solution is awfully telling: roll over and act submissive.
Janeway's congratulation to her commander is equally telling: "In the future, if I have any questions about mating behaviour, I'll know where to go."

To top it all off, Ensign Wildman has just realized she is seven months pregnant. Though her husband on DS9 doesn't know it, their efforts will soon bear fruit. Well, a half-human half-Ktarian. I assume that's a mammal, rather than a fruit. But one never knows.

"Elogium" is icky sticky. If Kes and Neelix' relationship seemed dubious before, it now seems downright illegal. And when your premise is "Voyager Screwed By Space Fish" you might want to re-think things before you get out the cameras.

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